Dads, Hug Your Kids. For Them, For Us.
Fathers have the power to give their children the confidence they need.
I once heard a famous comedian on a podcast say, “If my dad had just given me a hug, I’d have probably been an accountant.” He went on to say how his father’s aloofness and cold demeanor beset him with deep insecurities. I’ve enjoyed this comedian’s work, but I listened to this conversation and felt sorry for the man who went on to detail his lifelong relational struggles, largely due to never meeting his dad's approval. How sad. How preventable.
I’ve been around enough leaders to know this is a real thing. I think emotional quotient is the most underrated factor in evaluating leaders. Leaders who possess confidence and security walk create healthy cultures, free of paranoia or passivity. They aren’t constantly trying to settle scores or prove themselves.
You’d be surprised how public leaders are deeply insecure.
Much of this stems from a poor relationship with a father who was either absent or aloof. I think this is partly what Paul is getting at in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Too often fathers sow frustration, bitterness, and confusion in the hearts of their children.
This doesn’t mean, of course, that a tortured relationship with a father dooms you from finding peace with God or leading well. The spirit of God can restore what has been lost. I’ve seen great men come to terms with a failing father and find peace, joy, and security in their Heavenly Father. To know God is to know the Father who will never abandon, whose approval is already granted because of the death of His Son.
Even the lament over a deficient dad is a sign that there is a standard for fathers that ultimately points to a Heavenly Father. But those who have wounds from their earthly relationships must be intentional to work through these issues, perhaps through counseling, through biblical truth, and with the help of a new family in the community of saints.
But if you are a father who happens to be reading this, I want to plead with you to be intentional about loving your kids and not making your favor, your approval, an unreachable standard. It’s a sobering task to be a dad. It’s a humbling reality. I often think to myself that I’m the only version of a dad my kids will see. I am the first idea of what a father is, of what their Heavenly Father might be. The old Phillips, Craig, and Dean song is both beautiful and haunting:
Lord, I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be just like me
I want to be a holy example
For his innocent eyes to see
Help me be a living Bible, Lord
That my little boy can read
I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be like me
Of course, even the best dads fail and thankfully God is parenting our kids in the gaps.
Still, Dads have an enormous influence on their children. We should go out of our way to not embed insecurities in the hearts of our kids by withholding love. Our kids should not wonder if they are loved. They should not have to exhaust themselves on the performance treadmill. What are some practical ways we do this:
Communicate and be intentional about expectations
Avoid passivity - Hebrews 12 tells us that a father who has clear rules and discipline demonstrates love
Make intentional time for each child. I’ve found this especially important as kids are in their teen years
Discipline yourself to routinely tell them that you love them and are proud of them, even when you don’t feel like it.
Never disparage them in public. Never disparage them to your friends.
Have the courage to be a father and not just a friend. Confront them when you must.
Surrender your desire for their future to the Lord. Your idea of their life plan might not be God’s idea. I’m thinking of Zebedee, the father of James and John, who allowed his sons to leave his fishing business and become fishers of men.
Apologize when you mess up. You will. You’ll say something too harsh. You’ll drop the ball on a decision. Ask their forgiveness.
I’m still working on getting these things right. I know I have a ways to go as a dad. But I do pray my kids know that my love for them isn’t conditional.
Good word on such an important topic! Thank you for this!!