Loving Someone Else's Gifts
If we are not careful, resentment can come disguised as courage and envy disguised as truth-telling.
My kids find this hard to believe, but I played basketball for my high school team. Don’t get too excited. It was a small private school, and if you could fog a mirror, you could make the team. Nevertheless, I took it seriously. It was during the era of the dominant Michael Jordan-led Chicago Bulls, and, being in the Chicago area, basketball was life. Every young man at that age wore Nikes and fancied himself an NBA player.
I didn’t have the athletic gifts of many of my classmates, but I worked hard, got in great shape between my sophomore and junior years, and was a starter my last two years of high school. Still, hard work was often not enough. I had others on my team who were taller and more naturally gifted at basketball. There were times when I felt I should have more playing time and that the coach made a mistake by putting in a sixth man to replace me. There were times I thought I should have had the ball more and gotten more shots.
I often complained to my dad about this. My dad was a big supporter of our team. He went to every game, even if it interfered with his plumbing business. He travelled around the state to tournaments. He picked me up every day after practice.
But dad never indulged my whining about playing time. He’d ask, “Did you do your best? Did you work hard? Did you listen to the coaches?” And then he’d say, in a kind way, “In life, there are going to be people better than you. It’s ok. Let’s be thankful you get to play on this team.”
I often think back to those moments. At the time, I didn’t realize how important they were. I didn’t see what Dad was giving me. He was setting me up for a healthy perspective on life. There are going to be people who are more gifted than you. There are going to be people who have opportunities you don’t have. We can choose to let resentment and envy dominate our thoughts, or we can choose to be thankful for what we do have.
The Apostle James, Jesus’ brother and a church leader, said this is at the heart of most disagreements among Christians:
What is the source of wars and fights among you? Don’t they come from your passions that wage war within you. You desire and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and wage war. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and don’t receive because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures (James 4:1-3).
I never once said to my coach, “I think I should play more or have the ball more because I want to play more or have the ball more. I want that glory. I deserve it.” Of course not. I hid my jealousy behind subtle critiques. Michael shoots too many threes and doesn’t play defense. Mark hogs the ball. Josh doesn’t hustle.
The thing is: I got a lot of playing time. We were winning. But it wasn’t enough. Rather than appreciating the gifts of people better than me, I wanted what they had. And my dad, bless him, didn’t indulge this.
This spirit is a common temptation beyond high school. It’s especially tempting in ministry contexts. Rather than appreciating what we’ve been given to steward and enjoy, we want what others have. Someone gets a church position we think we should have. Another gets a book contract while your ideas languish. Someone gets put on panels and gets to keynote major conferences instead of you.
Why does he get picked? Why does she have power? Why are people listening to them?
We never verbalize the words, I wish I had what they had. Instead, we’ll try to tear down with insinuations. They water down the message. They know someone, and that’s how they got chosen. All they care about is their platform or their clicks.
We might even start whisper campaigns. We make spurious accusations of compromise. We do guilt by association. Envy and jealousy often dress up as courage.
The antidote: my dad’s words. “Let’s be thankful you get to play on this team.” Gratitude can keep us from sin. Ingratitude can be its gateway. Consider the way the serpent beguiled Adam and Eve. He questioned the Father’s goodness. Yes, you have this entire paradise of Eden with everything your heart could ever imagine and want. But why is it that you can’t have that one thing? That’s not right.
I am not saying every conflict among Christians is rooted in envy. Sometimes, charges of heresy or accusations of misconduct are real and must be confronted. But let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment. James is right. Most of our conflicts are rooted in the fact that someone else has something—a position, a perk, a privilege—that we don’t have. And we want it. You desire and do not have.
How do we fight this? Again, we fight it with gratitude. First, we periodically step back and say, “God has been good to me. I’ve been given rich blessings I do not deserve.” We echo with Paul, the humility that says, “What do I have that I did not receive (1 Corinthians 4:7).”
Secondly, we demonstrate gratitude for others’ gifts and opportunities. Two passages come to mind here. I think of the command in Romans 12:17 to “rejoice with those that rejoice.” Can you celebrate when someone in your field gets an honor or position, or recognition that you could have received? This has to be intentional, so fight against the whisper of the enemy that wants you to say That should have been me.
I also think of the passages about spiritual gifts (Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4) that remind us that gifts are given to the church. They are varied. Others will have gifts you don’t have, and you’ll have gifts others don’t have. I think this is true for natural talents and opportunities. Spiritual maturity is the ability to stand back and not only not be envious of others, but to actually be grateful for the gifts of others.
The older I get, the more I realize the two or three things I can do reasonably well and the list of things I cannot do well or even at all. I’ve come to appreciate the people in my life who can do those things well. I’m thankful for those gifts. They serve me with their giftedness and talents, and I serve them with mine. I don’t have to be them or have what they have. And they don’t have to be me.
That sounds corny and cliché, but I promise you it is a great relief. It can save you unnecessary angst and help you avoid the unnecessary “wars and conflicts” described by James, and too prevalent among believers.
Some Updates:
As you may know, my book, In Defense of Christian Patriotism, is releasing next month from Broadside Books. You can pre-order now.
I just turned in a manuscript for BH, tentatively titled, Biblical Wisdom for Everyday Life: Ethical Answers for Cultural Questions. This will be released sometime in 2026.
I’ve got a few pieces I wrote that you might be interested in:
For World on separating truth and fiction in the Israel/Gaza war. A similar piece for All Israel News.
A commentary for Baptist Press on the KY Attorney General’s attempt to restore justice for female athletes.
We are also getting reading for the school year here in our house, our kids are going to school and college, my wife is back to teaching, and me back in the classroom at Texas Baptist College. I’ll be teaching Intro to Ethics and Christianity, and Culture this semester.