Pastors and Leadership In the Home
An Interview with Chap Bettis about an important new book on an often misunderstood phrase in Scripture
Today, I’m excited to feature an interview with my good friend Chap Bettis, who is the executive director of the ministry, The Disciple-Making Parent. I’m privileged to serve on the board. Chap is one of the most gifted and helpful teachers when it comes to parenting and leadership. He has an important new book out, Managing Your Households Well, releasing next week from P&R Publishing. The title of the book comes from 1 Timothy 3:4. It’s an oft-misunderstood, but very important passage laying out critiera for spiritual leadership.
You’ll want this book, if you are a pastor, serve on an elder or deacon board or are simply a faithful church member that cares about the health of the church and your pastor. At the end of this newsletter, check out the special discount for One Little Word readers.
The title of this book is interesting. "Households" in plural. You are talking about managing the household of God and your family household. The subtitle makes the case that both of these are intertwined. Explain why you felt it so important to write this book at this time?
Thanks for picking up on that, Dan! The original title of the book was Managing Your Household Well, without the plural. That of course is a qualification for pastors and elders found in 1 Timothy, “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive” (3:4). It is also a qualification for deacons found in 1 Timothy 3:12.
But the deeper you dig into it, you have to ask the question, “Why does God make this a requirement for his officers?” And the answer can be found a few verses later in 1 Timothy 3:14 where Paul called the church the household of God. Paul also stated it is the pillar and foundation of the truth (1 Timothy 3:15). But it is not just a preaching point. It is a family, a household.
Paul points out in 1 Timothy 3:5 that leadership in the home is connected to leadership in the church. “[F]or if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church?” A man’s household and God’s household are to have similar characteristics. As a result, we can see that leadership in our smaller household is preparation for leadership in God's household, the church. God intends a leader’s family to develop some of the relational wisdom he needs to lead. And God intends a man's family to display the relational wisdom that a man needs to care for God’s church.
Good leadership blesses those underneath them and that gets into why I am so passionate about the book. I've been thinking about it for ten years now. We skip over this qualification for leaders because it has been misapplied and misunderstood in the past. A result of not emphasizing this quality is that we often have leaders who can preach well but don't have the relational wisdom to lead well. They can exegete the word, but they can't exegete people. And when there is poor leadership or merely passable leadership, the sheep are hurt and our churches don't flourish.
If we will reconsider this verse and the implications of it, we will recover the importance of living out the gospel in the home. And pastors, as they lead their home, they’ll also begin to make wisdom connections between how they care for their wife and children, and how they care for the flock.
A question a lot of churches and pastors have is this: what does "well" mean in 1 Timothy 3? Does it mean perfectly behaved children? Does it mean a pastor is disqualified for having adult children who make bad choices?
Dan, you ask so much in those two simple questions. First, if God puts it in his word then yes, we are capable of leading well by the Spirit. It doesn't mean we are leading perfectly but it does mean that our home is generally moving towards order. My wife and I had four children in six years. So the younger years when they were seven, five, three, and one were a glorious chaos. 2010 was our teenage year with nineteen, seventeen, fifteen, thirteen year-olds. More glorious energy around the home! if you ask me in those years was I leading well, I would say “I hope so.” The two markers that I was aiming for were what I believe Paul gives in 1 Timothy 3:4 – to lead with authority and affection. For the pastor, Paul zeroes in on a specific subset of parenting. He says a pastor is to be keeping his “children submissive with all dignity” (ESV) or “have his children under control with all dignity” (CSB). The idea is that he is confident in exercising authority so that his children are generally obedient and not out of control. But he and his wife are also doing this in a way that the children respect him. In other words, he is in control and he has their heart. He is neither domineering nor passive. And isn't that what God wants in a ministry leader? The best shepherds are comfortable exercising their authority but in a way that people know they are loved.
For the second question, I will direct you to the book. I have to save something for the book! In short, I believe that we have misunderstood Titus 1:6. As a result, older men who have adult prodigals can feel disqualified. And while there may be sin that we need to repent of as dads, we are not responsible for our adult child’s choices. Our adult child’s salvation is not by works—not by their works and not by our works as parents. Having a prodigal is something a man should discuss with his leadership team or other godly men. I know of many godly men that God is using mightily right now who have an adult prodigal. While I can think of no greater heartache, it does not necessarily mean a man did not manage his home well.
What advice do you give to church search committees and leadership teams when evaluating a potential pastor's management of household?
I do not believe that a man has to have children to be an elder or pastor or deacon. Just as I don't believe a man has to be married. Jesus was single, Paul was single. So many small churches might call a young pastor who is newly married and doesn't have children yet. I think in that case, I'm going to welcome him, give him my book, and say, “We believe you are qualified at this moment but this is an area we cannot evaluate you in. You will need to grow into this qualification.” For a leader with a family, I think I would ask about the books that have influenced his marriage and parenting philosophy. In the back of Managing Your Households Well I have an evaluation for him to fill out and for his wife.
But we have to be careful here. It is easy to hold pastor’s families to an impossible standard. Pastor’s kids have reported that church members felt free to correct them and hold them to a higher standard than the rest of the teenagers. We need to let children be children and give them room to grow. A pastor's family is an example of a gospel family. This does not mean shiny perfection but growth, repentance, and authenticity. We are not so much looking at the kids as how a potential pastor or elder interacts with them. Does he exercise authority and affection? Or, on the other hand, does he seem domineering or passive?
What kinds of help can the church provide for a pastor's family in ways that help them grow in the Lord?
I covered some of this in the last question. Churches should not be overly critical or overly demanding. A paid pastor should work hard like others in the church but not to the neglect of his family. Managing well does not mean that we will not have problems. A family and a church is made-up of sinners. And sinners have problems. But a good shepherd moves toward those problems either in the church or in the family.
For any church leaders, whether paid or not, I would encourage them to make sure they have a biblical parenting philosophy. In addition, are they establishing regular rhythms that will cause their family to flourish? This might include times away for their marriage and times away with children on vacation. When I was actively pastoring with young children, I remember thinking, “I want my kids when adults to be thankful that they were raised by a pastor. I do not want them to look back with bitterness.” And by God’s grace, that happened. Finally, leaders should have trusted friends who can speak into their lives for blind spots. We all have those areas that by very definition we cannot see—friends can help.
You really make the case that family life is not a distraction from ministry, but preparation for ministry. Why is this so important to understand?
God has given us eternal souls to influence in our family. Our wife and our children are our nearest neighbors. And all the Scriptures that apply to loving others apply to them. In my book The Disciple-Making Parent, I argue that the foundational parenting verse is not Deuteronomy 6:7-8 or Ephesians 6:1-4 as good as those sections of Scripture are. The foundational verse for us as parents is the Great Commission found in Matthew 28:18-20. God has given us little souls in our home to disciple. To bring us back full circle, I can learn about caring for God’s household at the same time as I learn about caring for my own household.
Special Preorder Price for One Little Word subscribers:
P&R Publishing has a special pre-order price until June 3rd. If you click here and use the coupon code DAND25, you can receive 40% off. If you visit Chap’s website, you can get the audiobook The Disciple-Making Parent for free.