The Difference Between Niceness and Civility
A friend shares why being good is better than seeming good
This summer I had the chance to participate and speak at The Braver Angels Convention in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Braver Angels is a new movement spearheaded by David Blankenhorn to help Republicans and Democrats come together to promote democracy and national healing. What I like about what this movement is doing is they are inviting people to come with their convictions. So I participated as an evangelical and a convictional Southern Baptist.
One of the people I had the opportunity to meet is Alexandra Hudson, who publishes a popular newsletter, The Civic Renaissance. Hudson is a gifted writer whose work has appeared in The Wall Street Journal, Politico, and Newsweek, among others. She also worked in The Department of Education.
She has a new book releasing in October called The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves, which is a tour-de-force through classic literature and Scripture. She is championing civil discourse in a very divisive age. I asked her if she’d be interested in sharing an excerpt from her book for my newsletter and she graciously agreed.
As Christians, Christ is our example in all. In my book, I show why civility—a disposition of the heart that truly respects others—is more important than politeness—or merely doing and saying the things that appear to be good and respectful.
Christ helps us understand why being good is more important than seeming good. He was constantly exposing the hypocrites of his day. He taught that a correct disposition—one of compassion and love for others—matters more than complying with the rules of right conduct alone. Jesus understood the potential perils of an inordinate focus on appearance and politeness. He scathingly critiqued the religious hypocrites of his day, who were smug in self-righteous compliance with prevailing rituals. But he knew that their fastidiousness was merely a cover for their selfishness.
When the Pharisees accused Jesus of breaking the religious law by not washing before eating, he responded, quoting the book of Isaiah in the Hebrew Bible: “‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.’” He accused them of letting human traditions become more important than the commands of God.
Jesus understood that actually doing good and helping others is more important than unthinkingly following the rules. When the rules of politeness get in the way of helping others, disregard them. The Pharisees accused Jesus of breaking the law when he healed a man’s withered hand on the Sabbath—a day where the rules required rest. He said to them: “I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?”Christ also knew that the rules alone didn’t make one a good person.
After all, Christ’s disciple, Judas Iscariot, betrayed Him while complying with the polite custom of the day: giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Christ’s life and teaching reminds us that a person’s disposition, the state of their heart, matters far more than their compliance with social norms. Jesus understood that it was a reality of the human condition for people to look for ways to make themselves feel superior to others. He knew that people like rules to follow, and that rule-following was an easy way for people to feel smug in comparison to those around them.
As we go about our day and lives, we should keep Christ’s example front of mind, and choose civility—actually respecting others, even if it means telling people hard truths in love—over mere politeness—only the appearance of respect or kindness- in our interactions with others.
I liked this excerpt from Alexandra. I am tempted often to be merely “nice” instead of being civil, which respects the dignity of those I encounter in a way that helps me speak the truth. Jesus didn’t come to abolish the law of God but to fulfill it. As the Lord of the Sabbath, as the place where Christians ultimately find rest (Hebrews 1-2), Jesus could bring healing to those who needed it. Those who opposed him missed what the law of the Sabbath was intended to do. This doesn’t mean Jesus was at odds with God’s law. Rather he perfectly demonstrated its fulfillment. This is to say that a niceness that avoids all conflict, and social norms that prevent the telling of the truth, are not the same as genuine civility.
I hope you’ll get Alexandra’s book and, if you pre-order, there are some cool bonuses.